Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

IMG_2967.PNG

Mr. Einstein couldn’t have been more spot on! Even though it kills me to believe this about myself, it turns out that I’m insane! In so many areas of my life, I’ve consciously engaged in the same knowingly toxic behaviors and situations time and time again while trying to convince myself that the outcome will be different. One area of my life that this quote mirrors is my social/love life. I find myself rummaging through past relationships in hopes that whatever ended the situation will not repeat itself. We avoid looking at the reality of our “not so good” relationships and try to put forth all of our efforts not to relive the heartache we’ve previously experienced, with the exact person who inflicted our emotional scars. We tell ourselves over and over “we’re working on things” but in actuality, the temporary smiles and seldom good days only mask the truth. Day in and day out you find yourself going the distance to prove you want things to work through various tactics… More sex, spontaneous blow jobs, home cooked meals, less nagging, order the NFL Sunday ticket; you know, all the things you know your mate desires. Truth is… There’s nothing you can possibly do to change the mind or heart of anyone. And even if you could, would you really want to? No one should have to change the mind of anyone when it comes to the extent of the love and respect they have for you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to second chances and trying to rekindle things but, if your team member isn’t willing to put at minimum the effort you’re giving, quite frankly, you’re insane. You may do different things in your relationship but if those relationships are with the same people who’ve “tried” and failed numerous times, you have to retain your dignity and self respect and make the decision to leave the realms of insanity and indulge in self worth.

Hey guys!!!! I love this quote and how it can be used in any aspect of my life at any time. Do you agree? Disagree? Whenever I find myself being repetitious without any change or positive benefit, I look back to this one specific quote to put things back into perspective. I hope it helps someone who’s just as insane as I can be some days.. 😊

Advertisements

It never fails… I always find myself being that friend with all of the answers when it comes to love and relationships. But how??? How could I’ve possibly been deemed relationship guru when I’m beyond clueless when it comes to applying my advice to my own life? I’m not positively sure why but, I’m guessing it has something to do with the correlation of wisdom and
experience. You see, my friends all know that I’ve been through more than enough when speaking of toxic
relationships and the drama that comes along with it. Therefore, “He who has been dragged through the gutter has to have picked up some valuable trinkets/knowledge on the
way.” LOL!

Its 2:49 am… My phone rings. My mind immediately tells me it’s either an after the club booty call or, one of my girlfriends will be on the other end yelling and/or crying about her current failing “situationship”. Almost 87
percent of the time it’s one of my girlfriends… Surprised it wasn’t a booty call??? Pardon me but I’m a lady!!! LOL! I sit up in bed and begin to explain why we shouldn’t be having this conversation AGAIN in my most
therapeutic voice (for calming purposes of course). I tell her, just because we crave change in a man doesn’t mean it’s going to be realized. Don’t stunt your growth by
allowing the stagnation of someone else dictate your emotional well being. Stand up for yourself! Take accountability for what YOU keep allowing to occur. Respect should always be required at all times. Just as always, I hear a deep sigh… My girlfriend then says, “You know what? You’re right… I’m home now. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you girlfriend! Thank you!”

I hang up the phone and sit there in complete silence. How the hell did I manage to give out such sound, matter of fact advice when my relationship status is almost always in a state of anarchy? You mean to tell me I could’ve just told myself the same exact shit and I would’ve been rid of all
of my emotional turmoil. Unbelievable!!!!!! Smh… LOL! This
has to be one of thee most frustrating, borderline hypocritical modes of self torture. It just proves that we really do possess the knowledge necessary to heal ourselves from self inflicted emotional distress. We just choose not
to take heed or listen to the one person that knows us best. Instead we consistently and knowingly replay the same hurtful circumstances and look for persons or things to blame for our unhappiness. It’s about time we all take accountability for our own emotional sanity.

-Nik
xoxo

Even though I haven’t had the opportunity to walk down the aisle and profess my love and honor to my prince charming, I do realize that such a commitment not only takes committing to the commitment, it also relies on the respect, morality, and honesty of both parties involved. I’ve watched the actions of many married couples and I try to understand the reasons and “excuses” used to justify the act of adultery as if its the only option to happiness. It’s that same old song that anyone who has ever been in or witnessed a relationship of any magnitude, has heard way too many times from the guilty party… “I just wasn’t happy anymore.”

Now I’m never one to pass judgment but, if happiness is what’s being sought out, that always begins within yourself. Common sense further tells me that making a choice to find “happiness” in someone else’s arms or bed has to be the worst way to gain it. No matter how much Karma pleads with us to reconsider, we’re all human, and because no one is perfect, these are the types of dilemma’s we can all fall prey to. I’m also very aware that marriage isn’t always the simplest thing to get out of for either party. Maybe there’s financial obligations or thoughts of disrupting the family can contribute to reasons why they stay in certain situations they no longer feel is emotionally beneficial or you know you’re blatantly being disrespected in once adultery has occurred.

As an adult, at some point we have to make choices and decisions that may come off selfish to take the time to explore what personally makes us happy and begin to move toward that by any means. Yes, hearts may temporarily be broken, minds eternally confused, and love tested but, only honesty and time can heal those scars. The scar that leaves the most emotional turmoil is the one that’s created by not only the act of infidelity but, it’s the lies and actions taken to hide the affair thats always hardest to understand. The adulterer may feel as though he or she is being discreet about their affairs but, it’s easy to notice the smallest change in habit when it comes to your spouse, but with the level of excitement that infidelity offers, it’s hard to maintain that discreetness. This new “lifestyle” may even make you believe that what you have at home is no longer satisfactory and you’re finally getting what you think you deserve. Don’t get to consumed in that… Usually that feeling fades once the disaster of divorce or separation comes into play. It’s the rush of doing something you know in your heart you shouldn’t be doing that fuels most indiscretions. Once found out, you’ll experience how fast things can drastically turn for the worst because good ole Karma loves to remind and teach the lesson of the grass not always being greener on the other side.

You have to be openly honest with yourself and know that everyone, especially the man or woman you vowed to love and cherish forever, deserves the dignity and respect to always have the option to be happy whether it be with you or someone else more deserving. It’s never the act of falling out of love that crushes someone the most, its the void of respect and consideration that can be unforgiveable. If you took the time, love, and effort to be with someone and marry them, use that same mind and will to protect and respect them once your feelings have changed. You both may experience some level of pain and sorrow but no relationship or person should suffer due to another’s persons bad choice. Sometimes the biggest way to show someone you once cared about that you still love them is by legally signing documents and walking away.

-Nik

Sound familiar???
If you haven’t said it a million times after a break up, I’m almost certain you’ve heard it from any human being who’s been in a tried and failed relationship. It seems almost natural to speak those words especially if you’re the one left heartbroken yet again by the same person. The only problem is while the word “DONE” rings absolute and undoubted, the heart and the mind have a far different plan in stored for you. It’s that never ending battle which looks as if there’s no win and causes a level of heartache that can break the strongest of us.

This is without a doubt one of the most redundant lines used by myself usually after the second break up with that one person I can’t seem to emotionally release from my life. I mean it sounds good at the time especially when chatting with your unforgiving girlfriends who’ve condemned your ex even before he became your ex. Besides, who wants to be viewed as weak or a door mat in the eyes of your peers. So what if your friends are saying “its ok babe” or “I know it hurts” (which to you only masks their true feelings which are: “I can’t believe this stupid bitch keeps allowing this to happen”), the anger and ego you possess won’t let you speak anything but “This time I’m done”.

The most confusing and frustrating about the whole scenario is you might honestly feel as though you have exceeded your capacity of bullshit allowed by one individual but, for some reason you can’t find the strength or dignity to completely walk away no matter how big or small the offense may be. Is it love? Is it stupidity? Is it fear of being alone? The questions are endless when trying to decipher matters of the heart and no one answer or hypothesis offers any sentiment or consolation.

The only sound advice that can be given is to KNOW YOUR WORTH. I know we’ve heard that almost as many times as “this time I’m done” but, knowing your worth is the first step in letting go of repetitious, toxic relationships. Now the question is… How do I know my worth? Well, first and foremost be completely honest with yourself. No one knows you better than you. Take a personal inventory of your soul that exposes both your weaknesses and strengths. What I’ve learned is we often get hurt or played because we’re not sure of whom we truly are. We haven’t given ourselves that glorious opportunity to experience SELF HAPPINESS. We subconsciously believe that our partner is responsible for making us happy but that’s far from reality. Your mate should compliment and add to your happiness, not create it. That dependency leaves us vulnerable to all types of relationship drama. We begin settling and accepting shit we screamed to the heavens we would never allow all in fear of losing what we believe makes us happy. The strength that comes with knowing yourself and what you’re willing to endure or tolerate is the key to making the decision to leave a bad situation just a tad easier. Shit, maybe even make you a tad wiser. Can’t beat that! 🙂

*Nik Tip*
Ok so if you’ve declared this is the last time and you’re completely sure of yourself, why not challenge yourself???

Disclaimer : This is a Self Help method.. Meaning I thought of and tried this method to Help Myself. What works for me may not work for most… 😉

*Just Say NO to Friendship: “Friendship” after failed relationships are almost always a waste of time. You can be cordial (Hi and bye type of thing) but try to keep it to a minimum. It’s easy to rekindle old nonsense by way of faux friendship. TRUST!
*Now Block it Out!: Utilize that call block feature!!! Even though you know the number by memory… Don’t use it!!! Remember, you can’t miss a call you don’t know you’ve received. Oh and yes this includes contact through email or social media.
*Switch it up: You’re not running scared but try to find different spots to hang out. In other words, don’t go somewhere you know your ex will be. It’s a set up and dead giveaway all rolled up in one!

Now try to keep it going for about 30 days… If you can’t, your hearts not ready. You may need another round or two of bullshit before you’re truly done. If you can get through it, you’ll be 30 days stress free and counting. Keep it going!!! I promise it gets easier babes…

For all of you out there who are saying “What in the home wrecking is this chick talking about!?”, Let me start off by stating that I DO NOT CONDONE THESE TYPE OF ANTICS AT ALL… But reality is reality, nobody’s perfect, and this type of shit happens everyday. So, if this is the situation you’re in or the route you choose to take, who am I to judge and not offer a few pointers to help you with your scandalous ploy? So all you ratchet heffa’s take heed because I’m only going to disclose these type of secrets once! LOL!

So you’re “in love” with this guy who’s already in a relationship and after listening to your favorite home wrecking song “I Take Ya Man” by the legendary Salt n Pepa, you get that extra motivation to really try to snag and bag your attached guy.

#1 Become the Friend/Confidant

If you’re not already good friends with the guy you want, you need to first tackle that. Becoming a close friend gives you the inside track. Not only will you start to find out what he likes and dislikes when it comes to his girl or women in general, you’ll be that shoulder he cries on when he needs to vent leaving you as the one he’ll likely turn to when a problem arises for some “comfort”.

#2 Go Left!!!

When you’re listening and being the best “friend” you can be, be very mindful to do/say the complete opposite of what he says he dislikes or at least pretend to be totally different. Remember, guys like things their way or no way. Whenever your guy makes a negative statement about something his girl says or does, you should always respond in a way to make yourself appear amazing and never says or does anything remotely close to that. Ex: Your guy may say something like “Yo I hate when she always calling asking where I’m at damn!!” Instead of responding with “Well where the hell you be at? I would want to know too!”, it should be more like, “OMG, she does that? That’s so whack! She shouldn’t be so insecure I mean she got a good man!”

#3 Sports Matter!!!

Nothing is sexier and more attractive to a man than a woman who knows and loves sports. Even if you don’t know all the stats, try to familiarize yourself with some of your guys favorite teams and that’s going a little further than just knowing what colors the teams have on. SMH… They’re plenty of stories I can personally tell that begin with watching the game and ended with my panties on the ceiling fan before half time. I’m just saying…

NOW… THE SHARE OPTION…

Warning!!!! This takes the most emotional discipline so this option is only for the advanced hussies. If you’re the type of fragile female like most of us tend to be, I wouldn’t attempt to swim in these waters.

So here we go…

After you somehow managed to become sexually involved with this guy and you noticed he isn’t nor is he planning to budge from his current relationship… If you’re a glutton for emotional torture or you possess an obscene amount of masculine characteristics, you now have the option of sharing him. Yes I said it without the candy coating!!! SHARING HIM!!! Being on the roster, schedule, or menu… You know the option where you don’t mind being one of two, few or many. Let me pause to speak to my ladies who are sitting back saying, “Well if I’m his main or his #1 chick, I’m good because those other hoes know their position!”… You leave this option alone as well… SMH. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, those other hoes probably don’t know you exist and if they did they obviously could give two shits because you’re both still slobbing the same knob! This is not the “gain a position” option. It’s the option that’s engineered for the comfort of men. It allows them to basically do them without remorse or regard because you willingly signed up for such shananigans. Don’t blame anyone when you had options.

The choice, if you decide to venture into either of these lifestyles, is all yours. In whatever instance, always remember to be smart and use some form of protection. Until next time friends… 🙂

xoxo Nik

Ok so I know the title of my first entry can be a tad shocking but sadly enough, women sometime need a little enlightening when it comes to their “status” or “position” in their “relationships”. So for all you ladies out there who ever wondered or had any doubt about the position you hold heres a few clues… Fella’s youre probably hoping I dont expose you too much but its actually helping you out as well… LOL! No one wants a chick who isnt clear about their role in a situation so if you guys would “keep it 100” there will be no one to blame. Now let’s get into it.

I CALLED YOU… I TEXTED YOU… WHAT’S UP!!!

First off ladies, have you ever called your guy at specific times (i.e. after lets say 10:00pm) and you cant reach him? Whether it be 10 am or pm, if theres a consisitent pattern of missed calls or unanswered text messages or you start to notice he only contacts you at specific times, you may have to come to terms that yes my dear, you are in fact a side chick.

YOUR BIRTHDAY??? VALENTINES DAY??? ANY GIFT GIVING HOLIDAY???

Another dead give away chica’s…. These days are probably null and void for you when it comes to your guy. You seem to give alot and receive nothing but wet panties and excuses. Not even a freaking card! SMH… So sad… But yeah sorry… You be a side chick honey. I know alot of guys will use their religion as a rationale for this but if you dont witness him in the Masjid consistently then ummmmmmmmm… You already know…

SO CAN I COME SEE YOU???

Whenever 90 percent of your meetings with your guy are at your home or the Comfort Inn, I’m almost certain you’re a side chick and if you’re paying for the hotel he’s homeless or lives like a peasant with no financial means. Come on ladies!!!! You’ve dated this guy for almost a year and you still dont know his place of residence? The light should come on in 5,4,3,2,…. DING DING DING!!!! SMH…

And lastly…

WHAT ABOUT HIS FRIENDS???

If a considerable amount of time elapses and the only affiliate you know of or met is the guy he was with at the club that night yall met… Somethings a little shady… At some point, in a true genuine relationship, hes going to want you to meet the family and friends. If not he has something to hide and I hate to be the one to tell you but that something is you…

These are just a few red flags that should warn you to walk away and fast! But if you’re okay with being the side chick, by all means have a ball! Just understand that only you can make certain decisions and this game is forced on no one.  You cant blame anyone but yourself for willing leaving the blinders on. Men might have their shit with them but we as women should be able to decipher and control the level of shit (if any) that we’re willing to deal with. There’s only one question you should ask yourself… “What am I worth?”

-Nik